ماثيو راشر ، CRPS

Musician and Peer Specialist: Matthew Racher

لدي ذكريات طفولتي جميلة عن سنوات نشأتي الأولى في جنوب ميامي ، فلوريدا. في عطلات نهاية الأسبوع كنت ألعب مع أطفال الحي. في أحد الأيام ، انكسر خط مياه وغرق الشوارع. قمت أنا وأصدقائي في الحي المحلي ببناء قوارب صغيرة وطوافات لتطفو بجانب السيارات المتوقفة.

I went to high school down the street at Gulliver, a college preparatory school with excellent faculty and an array of extracurricular activities. I became heavily involved in musical theatre, casting for lead roles in Grease, Into the Woods, and Once Upon A Mattress. After graduation from high school, I went off to college in Cleveland, Ohio, at Case Western Reserve University in fall 2004. I was interested in studying business and connecting with other like-minded students who had an interest in music.

خلال دراستي الجامعية ، في شتاء 2005 ، بدأت أشعر بمشاعر ملحوظة من الاكتئاب والقلق. بدأت أنام خلال الفصول الدراسية وأبقى مستيقظًا طوال الليل. لقد أصبحت بعيدًا اجتماعيًا.

I remember in my freshman year I auditioned for an on-campus a cappella group as a baritone singer. I was so ecstatic to have been offered a position. But as my depression kicked in, I became less and less interested in singing and all my other musical interests. When my depression started to hit full force, I began to self-medicate with drugs and compulsive gambling. I entered a dark hole: one in which I couldn’t stand to be present in my life. I felt I had to escape by any means possible.

في عام 2006 انتقلت إلى جامعة ميامي بالقرب من منزل والديّ ، وعشت مع والدي. عندما عدت للعيش معهم ، أخذت معي جميع أدوات الهروب الخاصة بي ، بما في ذلك الماريجوانا والمقامرة القهرية. أصبح إدمان المخدرات والمقامرة أصدقائي المقربين. كل أحلامي وآمالي بدت وكأنها وميض خافت بعيد ولا يمكن الوصول إليه.

While living with my parents, they noticed I was experiencing a decline in my mental health. I was more isolated than ever, shuttered in with a mind filled with incoherent thoughts. I would sleep all day with the window shades down. I recall a decline in my personal hygiene. My depression had taken over, and I felt as though my life were over, as if I were trapped in an existence that was merely a shell of who I once was.

My parents brought me to see a psychiatrist. I began engaging in psychotherapy two to three times per week. Several medications were prescribed including bupropion, sertraline, and lamotrigine. I started taking the medications, and although they helped for a short while, I would always resort back to old habits and my own ways of escaping reality. I began to mix the marijuana use with the medication and spiraled down even more.

في عام 2009 ، بينما كنت لا أزال أعيش في المنزل مع والدي وأحضر دروسًا محليًا في جامعة ميامي ، عانيت من أول استراحة ذهانية لي. أتذكر مشاعر جنون العظمة التي أجبرتني على النظر بقلق من خلال ستائر نافذتي. كنت مقتنعًا بأن مكتب التحقيقات الفيدرالي قد أرسل سائق توصيل FedEx إلى منزلي. أتذكر أنني كنت أتحرك ذهابًا وإيابًا مع الأفكار المتسارعة التي تستهلك عقلي. اعتقدت أن العالم قد انتهى ، وكان ذلك خطأي.

My parents noticed that my behavior was off, and we met again with my psychiatrist. He recognized that I was experiencing psychosis and prescribed aripiprazole (Abilify). On this medication, my symptoms started to slowly abate. A year following my psychotic break, I was able to focus more on school, and I graduated from the University of Miami (UM) in May of 2010 with a BA in psychology and a minor in music business. I was only able to graduate from UM because I was adhering to medication and determined to make it through my undergraduate studies.

في عام 2010 ، عانيت من خسارة مهولة. أقرب أصدقائي من المدرسة الثانوية مات منتحرا. عندما سمعت الخبر ، شعرت وكأنه زلزال لجسدي وروحي. لن أنسى أبدًا الجلوس في غرفتي وقد اهتزت تمامًا من أنباء هذه الخسارة. لسوء الحظ ، دفعني هذا للهروب إلى طرقي السلبية في التأقلم بدلاً من تبني عملية الحداد على الخسارة.

بعد الاستمرار في الانغماس أكثر في الاكتئاب وتعاطي الماريجوانا ، عانيت من نوبة ذهانية شديدة أخرى في عام 2011. أتذكر الاستيقاظ والشعور بطفرة قوية في الطاقة المكتشفة حديثًا. اتصلت بالجميع في جهات الاتصال الخاصة بي واعتذرت لهم ، وأعلمهم كم أحببتهم. متوهمًا ، أتذكر شعورًا قويًا بالذنب ، معتقدًا أن كل فرد من أفراد الأسرة أو أحد أفراد أسرته في حياتي قد تأثر سلبًا بكل قرار اتخذته في الماضي.

Soon after, while acutely psychotic, I ran away down the street, barefoot, as my father chased me. I was taken to the psychiatric hospital in South Miami for nearly three weeks. To this day I still believe that a significant catalyst for my second psychotic break was my avoidance of processing, embracing, and mourning the death of my friend. While in the hospital, I endlessly searched through the dimly lit corridors for my friend who I had lost to suicide.

اليوم أنا ممتن لأن لدي تأمينًا وموارد لتغطية هذه الإقامة الطويلة في المستشفى.

After this stay in the hospital, I returned home to what was a long road ahead, a road in which my family and support network tried everything possible to reintegrate me back into a level of connection within my community, and I continued taking Abilify. My parents drove me to doctor’s appointments, peer support groups, and local clubhouse events. My father offered me a job in his office so I could develop and build on work-related skills. My mother drove me to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meetings and became passionate about volunteering with the Miami-Dade affiliate. She and a few other NAMI members helped revitalize and grow the local chapter into the remarkable organization it is today.

At that time, I also made a friend named Carlos who had similar mental health challenges. Carlos and I discovered our shared love of acoustic rock music and eventually formed a band, known as “FogDog.” To this day, we travel to different communities, spreading the message of hope through original music.

لم أشعر قط بمزيد من الامتنان لشفائي مما أشعر به اليوم. أشعر بالهدف في رد الجميل للمجتمع الذي سمح لي بالنمو إلى ما أنا عليه الآن.

I am currently working as a certified peer specialist and was recently awarded state certification through the Florida Certification Board. I recently graduated with my Master of Social Work degree and look forward to continuing work in the field of mental health and harm reduction counseling. I plan on working toward licensure to support individuals in achieving their mental health and substance abuse recovery goals, especially within the field of early intervention treatment and care for psychosis. I hope to continue my work to improve the reach of sustained community-based mental healthcare.

لن أكون اليوم في وضع يسمح لي بمساعدة وخدمة الآخرين داخل مجتمعي لولا الأدوية ، ودعم عائلتي ، و NAMI Miami-Dade.

When I look back on my experiences from the dark depths of isolation and despair to the light of hope, support, and connectedness, I can only hope that others find it within themselves to never give up and to know that they are not alone. Only together can we discover the strength to quiet this voice and instill a sense of belonging and purpose.

I hope others can find the support and resources to pave a path towards their own light, purpose, and path of self-discovery and realize that recovery, in the face of pain and adversity, is, in fact, an actualization of our most unique, courageous, and resilient qualities. If we hold onto this path and never give up, our individual stories will serve to guide others.