マシュー・レイチャー(CRPS

Musician and Peer Specialist: Matthew Racher

フロリダ州サウス・マイアミで育った幼い頃の思い出があります。週末になると、近所の子供たちと遊んでいました。ある日、水道管が壊れて、道路が水浸しになったことがありました。近所の友達とミニボートやいかだを作って、駐車してある車の横に浮かべました。

I went to high school down the street at Gulliver, a college preparatory school with excellent faculty and an array of extracurricular activities. I became heavily involved in musical theatre, casting for lead roles in Grease, Into the Woods, and Once Upon A Mattress. After graduation from high school, I went off to college in Cleveland, Ohio, at Case Western Reserve University in fall 2004. I was interested in studying business and connecting with other like-minded students who had an interest in music.

学部在学中の2005年冬、私はうつ病と不安感を顕著に感じるようになった。授業中に眠くなったり、徹夜をするようになった。社会的にも距離を置くようになった。

I remember in my freshman year I auditioned for an on-campus a cappella group as a baritone singer. I was so ecstatic to have been offered a position. But as my depression kicked in, I became less and less interested in singing and all my other musical interests. When my depression started to hit full force, I began to self-medicate with drugs and compulsive gambling. I entered a dark hole: one in which I couldn’t stand to be present in my life. I felt I had to escape by any means possible.

2006年、私は実家近くのマイアミ大学に編入し、両親と同居することになりました。両親のもとに戻った私は、マリファナや強迫的なギャンブルなど、逃避的な対処法をすべて持ち出しました。薬物中毒とギャンブルは、私の最も親しい友人となりました。私の夢や希望はすべて、遠く手の届かない光のゆらめきのように思えました。

While living with my parents, they noticed I was experiencing a decline in my mental health. I was more isolated than ever, shuttered in with a mind filled with incoherent thoughts. I would sleep all day with the window shades down. I recall a decline in my personal hygiene. My depression had taken over, and I felt as though my life were over, as if I were trapped in an existence that was merely a shell of who I once was.

My parents brought me to see a psychiatrist. I began engaging in psychotherapy two to three times per week. Several medications were prescribed including bupropion, sertraline, and lamotrigine. I started taking the medications, and although they helped for a short while, I would always resort back to old habits and my own ways of escaping reality. I began to mix the marijuana use with the medication and spiraled down even more.

2009年、まだ両親と暮らし、地元のマイアミ大学で授業を受けていた頃、私は初めて精神病の発作に見舞われました。強烈な被害妄想に襲われ、窓のブラインドの外を執拗に覗き込まなければならなくなったのを覚えています。フェデックスの配達員はFBIが送り込んできたのだと確信した。頭の中がグルグル回って、行ったり来たりしていたのを覚えています。世界が終わったと思ったし、それは私のせいだとも思った。

My parents noticed that my behavior was off, and we met again with my psychiatrist. He recognized that I was experiencing psychosis and prescribed aripiprazole (Abilify). On this medication, my symptoms started to slowly abate. A year following my psychotic break, I was able to focus more on school, and I graduated from the University of Miami (UM) in May of 2010 with a BA in psychology and a minor in music business. I was only able to graduate from UM because I was adhering to medication and determined to make it through my undergraduate studies.

2010年、私は人生を揺るがすような喪失感を味わいました。高校時代からの親友が自殺で亡くなったのです。その知らせを聞いたとき、私の身体と魂に地震が起きたような感じがしました。自分の部屋に座って、その知らせに完全に動揺したことは忘れられません。残念ながら、このことが私を、喪失を悼むプロセスを受け入れる代わりに、ネガティブな対処法に逃げるように駆り立ててしまったのです。

その後、うつ病と大麻の使用を続け、2011年に再び重度の精神病を経験しました。目が覚めたとき、新たに発見したエネルギーの強力な波動を感じたことを思い出します。そして、自分の周りにいる人たち全員に電話をして謝り、自分がどれだけ彼らを愛しているかを伝えました。妄想の中で、私は強い罪悪感を感じ、私の人生のすべての家族や愛する人が、私が過去に下したすべての決断によって悪影響を受けたと信じたことを覚えています。

Soon after, while acutely psychotic, I ran away down the street, barefoot, as my father chased me. I was taken to the psychiatric hospital in South Miami for nearly three weeks. To this day I still believe that a significant catalyst for my second psychotic break was my avoidance of processing, embracing, and mourning the death of my friend. While in the hospital, I endlessly searched through the dimly lit corridors for my friend who I had lost to suicide.

今日、私は、このような大規模な入院をカバーする保険とリソースを持っていたことに感謝しています。

After this stay in the hospital, I returned home to what was a long road ahead, a road in which my family and support network tried everything possible to reintegrate me back into a level of connection within my community, and I continued taking Abilify. My parents drove me to doctor’s appointments, peer support groups, and local clubhouse events. My father offered me a job in his office so I could develop and build on work-related skills. My mother drove me to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) meetings and became passionate about volunteering with the Miami-Dade affiliate. She and a few other NAMI members helped revitalize and grow the local chapter into the remarkable organization it is today.

At that time, I also made a friend named Carlos who had similar mental health challenges. Carlos and I discovered our shared love of acoustic rock music and eventually formed a band, known as “FogDog.” To this day, we travel to different communities, spreading the message of hope through original music.

今日ほど自分の回復に感謝したことはありません。自分をここまで成長させてくれたコミュニティに恩返しをすることに、目的意識を感じています。

I am currently working as a certified peer specialist and was recently awarded state certification through the Florida Certification Board. I recently graduated with my Master of Social Work degree and look forward to continuing work in the field of mental health and harm reduction counseling. I plan on working toward licensure to support individuals in achieving their mental health and substance abuse recovery goals, especially within the field of early intervention treatment and care for psychosis. I hope to continue my work to improve the reach of sustained community-based mental healthcare.

もし薬物療法や家族のサポート、そしてNAMI Miami-Dadeがなかったら、私は今日、地域の人々を助け、奉仕する立場にはなかったでしょう。

When I look back on my experiences from the dark depths of isolation and despair to the light of hope, support, and connectedness, I can only hope that others find it within themselves to never give up and to know that they are not alone. Only together can we discover the strength to quiet this voice and instill a sense of belonging and purpose.

I hope others can find the support and resources to pave a path towards their own light, purpose, and path of self-discovery and realize that recovery, in the face of pain and adversity, is, in fact, an actualization of our most unique, courageous, and resilient qualities. If we hold onto this path and never give up, our individual stories will serve to guide others.