דארל הרמן

דארל הרמן

Computer Programmer and Volunteer: Darrell Herrmann

Introduction

Hi, my name is Darrell. I am a retired United States Army officer and a retired computer programmer. I am happily married and share my love of attending live jazz performances with my wife.

I grew up on a small family farm in western Kansas about 30 miles east of Dodge City.  For those of you who are western fans, this is the real Dodge City. I can literally say I got the heck out of Dodge.

Growing up my life was typical of farm boys of that era. I learned to drive a tractor by the age of 6 or 7. I milked the cows before and after school. I spent my summers working on the farm. After high school, I went to Kansas State University to study physics. I graduated in May 1976 and was commissioned as a second lieutenant in the United States Army through the ROTC program at Kansas State University.

Today I am going to tell you a little about how mental illness has affected my life. I am living proof that although having a serious mental illness changes your life, it is still possible to live a relatively normal life despite that illness.

What Happened

In 1984 I was a captain in the United States Army. My specialties were field artillery and nuclear weapons. I began to believe that I had been drugged with an experimental medicine as part of a secret conspiracy to produce super soldiers. I believed that this was why I was mentally falling apart, having trouble sleeping, and generally unable to cope with my daily life. Because I believed I had been drugged, it seemed logical to seek medical help. So I went to the army hospital emergency room asking for help. They quickly realized that I was delusional and becoming psychotic. I soon found myself on a military psychiatric ward. At this point, it was obvious that my military career was over because nuclear weapons and psychosis just don’t go together very well. I spent my 30^ה' birthday on the psychiatric unit, and it was a real bummer of a 30^ה' birthday because I knew my military career was over, and I had no idea what my future held.

After I was released from the psychiatric ward, it was approximately six months before the army finished the process of deciding what to do with me and released me from active duty.  During this six-month period, I had no assigned duties and was placed in a medical holding company. I needed something to do to occupy my time, so I volunteered at the Red Cross office on my base. When I started volunteering, I didn’t function very well. I could answer the phone, take a message, and do minor clerical duties. Because the staff was supportive and encouraging, I began to do more things as time went on. By the end of the six months, I was doing virtually everything that a paid worker would do at that office. I firmly believe that this six months in a supportive environment and the chance to rebuild my coping skills were crucial to my later success in dealing with my illness.

I decided to go back to college and become a professional computer programmer. In January 1985, I began studying for my computer science degree at Kansas State University. In December 1986, I completed my BS in computer science. During this time in college, I was again learning to cope with demanding work and schedules. After my first semester, I had to have a medication change as the antipsychotic medication I was taking called trifluoperazine (Stelazine) did not allow me to think as clearly as I needed to. On the new antipsychotic called perphenazine (Trilafon) which I had been on briefly and liked while I was on active duty, my thinking was much clearer. To this day I still use that antipsychotic medication to treat my symptoms. I also found that I had to work a lot harder at my school work than the first time I was in college. I think my mental illness slightly lowered my IQ. I have learned to deal with occasional symptoms, such as hearing voices that aren’t there, that still occur despite the fact that I am properly medicated.

In January 1987, I began working as a professional computer programmer. I did that very successfully despite the fact that computer programmers are often laid off and have to move to other locations to find work. In April 1995 I moved to Columbus, Ohio, for a new job and have stayed in the area ever since. In February 2000 I was laid off from the job that I had moved to Columbus for. I will share my experience with this layoff as it was typical of other layoffs that happened to me. My employer had given me my annual review in January. The review was outstanding as usual and said that I was an exemplary employee and programmer. In February, the day arrived for the announcement of annual pay raises. Previously word had leaked that layoffs were happening to some of the company. I was called into the vice president’s office to learn my fate. I was told that because I was such an outstanding employee, I was going to receive a 5% pay raise. This was well above inflation and probably the best raise the human resources department would allow. Then I was told that I would also receive two weeks of extra pay as a cash bonus. In addition, because I was a top-performing employee, I would receive two months’ pay in stock options. Then came the bombshell. “We have decided to shut down this department and outsource all the work. You have 60 days to find a job elsewhere in the company or your employment will be terminated.” Although I was unable to find a job elsewhere in the company, I did find employment with another company in Columbus within the 60-day window and was able to bank the six weeks of severance pay I was due for being terminated.

In 2004 the stress of working was causing me to have mild delusional thinking and some hallucinations even though I was on a very high dose of antipsychotic medication. I describe what happened to me with that employer as being “The Dilbert Syndrome” after the comic strip Dilbert. Just like the character in the comic strip, I was dealing with impossible coworkers, unreasonable schedules and deadlines, confusing and conflicting guidance from management, and computer users who never knew what they wanted but wanted it yesterday. When I delivered these users programs doing exactly what they had requested the programs do, they were never satisfied and wanted something else. It reached the point where I could not see a win in the situation for anyone: not me, not my coworkers, not my management, and certainly not the company I worked for. At that point, after a lot of discussion with my psychiatrist and psychologist, I decided to go on disability because my work experience at several different companies over 18 years showed that the Dilbert Syndrome is endemic in the American corporate environment. Although I could have tried to find a job in another company, in short order due to my illness, the Dilbert Syndrome would likely strike me again and once again severely impact my ability to work successfully.

After going on disability, I needed to find ways to productively occupy my time. In January 2003 I started volunteering one hour a week at the Riverside psychiatric unit talking to their patients about how to live and cope with a mental illness. I decided to expand my volunteer efforts and with the help of Mental Health America of Franklin County, I expanded to other hospital psychiatric units in Columbus. In the 10 years prior to the COVID pandemic, I spoke to more than 30,000 people in those hospital groups. In November 2019 I published a book of essays about the things I had learned that hospitalized patients had questions about and needed answers to. This book was a product of my many years of volunteering and has been very well received. The title of the book is Straight Talk About Living With A Severe Mental Illness. It covers the basic information that anyone dealing with a severe mental illness should know but all too often don’t know. It is now available in paperback, Kindle, and audiobook formats.

Another highlight of my years volunteering occurred in 2007. A very special woman attended a few of my groups while she was hospitalized. She decided to check out the community support group I worked with, and we quickly became friends. After a year or so we became best friends. Later still we started to talk about getting married. We decided to see a marriage counselor to make sure we were really compatible and to discuss how our illnesses (mine schizophrenia and hers schizoaffective disorder) might affect our marriage. The marriage counselor felt that we were one of the most compatible couples he had ever seen so we decided to get married. We married on October 23, 2010, and are still happily married over 12 years later.

What Helps

The key element and foundation of my recovery from schizophrenia is my antipsychotic medication. When I first became ill in the army, I was placed on an antipsychotic medication called thiothixene (Navane) that quickly brought my symptoms under control but had some bad side effects. Specifically, I felt a little stiff, my feet hurt mildly when I walked on them, and I ached and felt sort of like you do with the flu. I was sent back to my apartment and put on sick leave. One day I forgot to take the medication. I felt much better and realized later that it was because I was not taking my medication. I decided that I wouldn’t take the medication anymore. When I saw the army psychiatrist a couple of days later and told him what had happened and that I didn’t want to take the medication anymore, he said, “That’s fine.” A few days later he returned me to duty. Approximately two weeks after I stopped taking the medication, I once again became fully psychotic and wound up back in the hospital. I was placed on a different antipsychotic medication called perphenazine (Trilafon) and my symptoms were once again quickly brought under control. From this experience I learned that I needed medication to stay out of the hospital and because I want to stay out of the hospital as much as possible, I have never gone off my medications again. I need to point out that everyone’s experience with medications is different.  A medication that works wonders for one person may be pure poison to someone else.

Another key thing in my recovery has been learning as much as I can about my illness.  While I was in college, I researched schizophrenia extensively in the college library but found very little of help. Almost all of the research I found was based on psychoanalysis and medication was rarely if ever mentioned as a treatment for schizophrenia in that research. Then, in 1985 I found the new book Surviving Schizophrenia by E. Fuller Torrey, MD. It was one of the first books written for lay people about schizophrenia and treatment of it as a medical illness.  This book and the information I received from it gave me a good foundation in my recovery from schizophrenia. The first edition of that book was part of the beginning of treatment of schizophrenia as the medical illness, which today we know it is. That book is currently in its seventh edition and still a valuable resource.

The third and final major piece of my recovery is a support group that I became involved with in Columbus. This support group was the first time I had friends I could openly share with and talk about my illness and coping with it. I find it extremely beneficial to be able to discuss coping skills and current issues with friends who have been where I have been and where I am today. We help each other cope.

What’s Next

For me success means that I am living as full and rewarding a life as possible. I enjoy helping others learn to better cope with a mental illness. As the COVID pandemic winds down, I am looking forward to hospitals once again being open to volunteers. It is my goal to return to doing as many weekly sessions on hospital psychiatric units as I can manage comfortably. My goal is to see at least another 30,000 people over the 10 years after hospitals fully reopen to volunteers.

I would like to thank you for reading my story. I hope I have given you a better perspective on mental illness and what is possible than you had before. I want each of you to know that although your interaction with a mentally ill person may at times seem pointless, your efforts might be the key to setting that person on the road to recovery through your words or actions. I am a prime example of recovery at its best and want to emphasize that your role in someone’s recovery should never be underestimated. You can play a key role in their recovery, and there is always hope for recovery.