阿什利-史密斯

Author, Advocate and Mom: Ashley Smith

See condensed version in Newsletter 6

Imagine a 20-year-old college student living life on campus, studying, working internships, going to events with friends, and visiting family. Suddenly, they’re facing felony charges. And, admitted into a psychiatric hospital.

That’s my story. It was unreal—rough, chaotic, and sudden for me and my family. However, the incident spearheaded my recovery. It established a new beginning and understanding of myself and my role in advocacy for peers and their families. I developed insight on how to articulate my story and practice a variety of coping tools to manage. I’ve learned how to master resiliency.

Having experienced a wide range of dreadful symptoms, my diagnosis was traumatic in itself. I became suspicious of everyone including family and those in my close circle. I believed friends and fellow students whispered and gossiped about me. I believed a relative tried to kill me by poison and put something in my pancakes. I believed they tapped my phone and put a tracking device in it. I was also convinced that neighbors and others spied on me and strangers followed me everywhere. The world was against me, and I couldn’t escape.

I did not know what hallucinations were. But the voices and ghosts frightened me—they wouldn’t stop. The male and female voices joined in with the evil cartoon characters in my head. They were shouting and criticizing me for what seemed like hours. I was alone, vulnerable, and falling apart—losing myself and the Ashley everyone knew.

Then I thought I found relief, even though irrational thoughts continued to dominate my mind, moods, and actions. These ill thoughts led me to steal a truck in hopes of saving myself from family, strangers, and everybody that came near me. The truck was military property, and my legal battles would consume my family’s life. Consequently, I was at risk of being charged with felonies and facing prison time. Soon, my symptoms became worse than ever before.

The prolonged legal process worsened my symptoms, escalating the deterioration of my mind. Then I received an official diagnosis and a description of the symptoms I was experiencing. I had many symptoms. Doctors used words I had never heard of: catatonia, delusions, psychosis, and hallucinations, to identify a few. These were foreign to me and my family.

I was catatonic, literally still. I would not move an inch. I sat in a daze for hours or lay in bed for days. I was told later that the jail health team sent me to the emergency room a few times because I wasn’t eating or drinking. I had scrambled thoughts, racing thoughts, and no thoughts. I couldn’t keep up, let alone understand what was happening. Despite me shutting down, my family endured the battles.

Ironically, the legal interventions helped me. Mandated medication compliance brought me back from that place in my head which made me stuck, with a lack awareness of time and minimal closeness and connections with family and others. It restored my ability to function.

When my doctor told me I had paranoid schizophrenia, I didn’t understand the diagnosis. I had heard of all the scary myths and stigmatizing stories in movies and in the media. Now, that description applied to me, but I realized that was not me!  The doctor nodded his head up and down repeating how the voices were another symptom. He compared my diagnosis to diabetes in that it would require ongoing treatment. He reassured me I could go back to school and manage as long as I took medication and controlled my stress.

His advice and enthusiasm for my recovery undoubtedly lit a fire in me and motivated my family to keep trying to help me get my life back. We wouldn’t accept the discouraging perception that recovery isn’t possible and that I would have limitations in life. We braced ourselves and got ready to fight these invisible wars no matter how severe and how long it took.

When I was diagnosed, my family and I quickly researched for ways to cope. We did our homework online and met with my doctor to learn how to control the illness. While I would never compare schizophrenia to diabetes, I wholeheartedly agree that recovery is possible, and there is hope for me and my peers in treatment. Despite this diagnosis and related conditions, we can live a quality life.

Hope. My definition of it has been revolutionized. I live it every day: to have faith in the possibility of achieving better.

My recovery includes getting a lot of support from family, friends, and my health team. We became involved in a behavioral health program. Participating in these programs and in various organizations helped me reduce my feelings of stigma about my own illness. However, stigma from others persisted, and I wasn’t immune. I’ve experienced discriminatory attacks. For example, I’ve been called demonic by strangers during my presentation for my advocacy work. This happened even though my faith is important to me and is a part of my coping tools.

At the beginning of my recovery journey, I learned about Mary Ellen Copeland’s Wellness Recovery Action Plan (WRAP) which is a crisis plan similar to a psychiatric advance directive but more informal. It provides people with instructions on how to treat a person during a crisis by providing preferences and medication history among other helpful information. And my family joined NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Part of my advocacy has included sharing my recovery journey on my blog, Overcoming Schizophrenia, which I established in 2008. I titled my blog Overcoming Schizophrenia because I view my condition as a health concern that is manageable. My blog looks at the cup half full. I share my experience with an optimistic outlook.

Getting involved with NAMI Georgia, Inc., has propelled my advocacy efforts. Through NAMI I’ve undergone extensive training, which has helped me to share my story with countless audiences. For example, I have presented to the crisis intervention team training for law enforcement through the In Our Own Voice NAMI presentation. Today, I serve in various capacities at NAMI Georgia, Inc., including state board member, state trainer, group facilitator, and resource coordinator for their non-emergency helpline.

Now that I’ve been in recovery for over 15 years, I understand the importance of repeatedly applying my coping tools along with practicing medication management. For example, having a routine helps to reduce symptoms.

Over the years I’ve created self-care rituals, for example, journaling, exercising, meditation, affirmations, listening to motivational talks, therapy, medication management, and pet therapy. My dog also contributes to my wellness, as he helps me combat challenges with depression every day.

Another strategy I use is my creativity. I blog and create fun projects. I enjoy writing and sharing my story to support recovery in other people. I developed blog books, which are a collection of organized articles from Overcoming Schizophrenia. My two blog books are What’s On My Mind? Volume I, Revised Edition (2022) and What’s On My Mind? Volume II, Coping Takes Work (2019).

Through my support system, treatment, coping techniques, and advocacy, I am able to press forward with pride but also humility.

Still, I have challenges. Reflecting on my health crisis reminds me of how fragile I can be, but how resilient I am too. I’m renewing my focus daily. I look at my mind wars as battles to be overcome. I’ve lost my mind but have come back stronger. My definition of recovery and strategies to cope continue to evolve. I define recovery as applying coping tools to stay in a good place. My family and friends hold me accountable in my recovery. They help me maintain wellness.

My top three pieces of advice for peers with this condition are to develop a support system, engage in therapy, and maintain hope. Every peer has a piece of wisdom to share because living with schizophrenia is hard, but recovery is possible.

Finally, despite recurring symptoms, I keep hope alive for better days. Currently, I work as a peer counselor, otherwise known as a certified peer specialist (CPS). My job is to share my story to support my peers on their recovery journey. Also, I teach them more about the diagnosis and the importance of medication management. To date, I’ve self-published five books on inspiration, prayers, and hope for recovery. My son, Big Boy, is my joy and motivation to keep striving for wellness no matter what.

I continue to share my story on my blog to offer hope for my peers and those affected and to support the anti-stigma movement. Living with a psychiatric illness can raise significant challenges but they can be overcome. I’m proof.

www.overcomingschizophrenia.blogspot.com